You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
