Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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