Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
