I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What a dumb baby whore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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