I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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