Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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