They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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