Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
