I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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