her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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