im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
