I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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