hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
