When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
