Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
