I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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