I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
