Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The uberlube is also flammable
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
