God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Your cock deserves a montage
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
