no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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