Will you blow on my dice?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
