Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
