Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
