It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My bed smells like the plague
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