Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
