Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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