No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
