i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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