I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
