What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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