Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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