You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
