he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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