I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
