Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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