Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
