She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
