I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
