we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
