I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
