shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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