I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
