You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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