Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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