I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
