fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
you made out with another girl for some wings
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
