I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
