george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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