On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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