I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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