Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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