When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
