I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
