this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
