one might say we're banned from that church
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
