toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
